“You can. End of story”
These few simple words were on the desk of one of our program’s administrative assistants and they made me stop and think.
To her, these are motivating words. She’s telling herself that she can overcome whatever mental block, doubtful inside voice or obstacle that is preventing her from achieving her goals (whether work related or not). They are beautiful and motivating.
What made me stop and think however is how these words would come across if I was the one saying them to her.
Think about it for a quick second. I’m her boss’s boss (just giving you perspective here, not being arrogant or boastful). If I were to say to her:
“You can. End of story”
How would she receive it?
The answer to that depends on the kind of leader one is, the context in which the words are spoken and the tone and body language by which they are delivered.
I can say them with authoritative vigor and she’d feel stressed and belittled.
I can say them with a nurturing tone and supportive candor and she’d feel valued
The words are the same but their weight and impact varies drastically
Have a blessed Friday
“Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him.” -Aldous Huxley
I have been trying to live by this quote ever since I read it over 10 years ago.
It's hard; Especially when you account for the emotional toll of an experience (positive or negative) and for the continual unfolding of hidden, nuanced and missed meanings that we only gain with time and further experience. I still revisit experiences from years ago and if I am being truly honest and introspective with myself, I find a lot more meaning than what I had originally thought. And that is the beauty and the brilliance of this quote.
We may experience something and file it away
We may experience something and ride that high we got from it until we no longer can
But true growth come from revisiting, not re-experiencing, such milestones in our lives and trying to understand the layers upon layers of meaning they may entail.
Grief is a funny thing.
The breadth of its intensity;
The randomness of how, when and in what way it materializes;
The absolute lack of respect it has to one’s state of heart or mind.
Sometimes I’d be washing dishes and my call to my siblings letting them know our dad has passed plays in my head.
Other times, the smell of heat and humidity brings me back to a nostalgic moment in my childhood and leaves me with a sense of sorrow over simpler times
And then many times it belies the smile I wear throughout my day
It has no rhyme,
abides by no law and
is in full control of how brief or how long it decides to visit
We all react to it differently,
deal with it differently,
express it differently,
but it remains the same;
An invader that pillages one’s heart and mind
Failure is often talked about in past tense. Meaning, the person has already experienced failure, processed it and learned from it. Hindsight however overlooks a very important aspect of failure, the fact that it sucks.
We don’t talk much about going through failure, how it impacts us negatively and clouds our outlook on life. Rather we reminisce on it, speak of its benefits, sometimes with nostalgia, and paint, again in hindsight, a picture that is to an extent rosy. Yes, important lessons are learned from failure but to the one experiencing it, talking about how things will be much better in the success that will supposedly follow can come across as tone deaf.
We need to get comfortable discussing failure in the present tense. The raw emotions that come with it, the darkness that hangs over the one experiencing it and the sense of hopelessness that often time accompanies it. That, in my opinion, is an essential skill for leaders to develop as they help others navigate and eventually achieve their own personal success.
“If you are complacent, you ARE complicit”
This is something that I have been saying for a while but please allow me to elaborate as the recent events of storming our capitol makes this statement pertinent and timely.
The storming of the halls of congress, desecration of American symbols of democracy and the siege of our capitol was done by citizens of the United States not outsiders. This is homegrown, organic, hate that came as no surprise to many who find themselves on the receiving end to such hate. But the problem is not the people who stormed the capitol. Yes they are a problem, but they are not “the” problem.
The problem is the vast majority who allows such vitriol to fester despite clear warning signs. And no, I am not talking about politicians, who are now conveniently jumping Trump’s sinking ship and calling foul. Don’t hang your coat on that convenient hook.
I am talking about YOU!
You who lets a family members remark about how the black family that moved down the street has brought down the value of houses in the neighborhood
You who lets a coworker/colleague talk about how that dude with an accent that no one understands has stolen a job a real American could’ve had
You who feels sorry for the woman proudly wearing her religious garb
You who is intrigued enough by someone’s different viewpoints on life yet don’t engage in meaningful conversation
You who puts up a defensive shield once one points out how your behavior and thought process, as benign as it may seem to you, hurts those on the receiving end of it
You who does not acknowledge the privilege from which they look down upon the rest
You who wants change but cowers at the thought of deep introspection and full personal accountability
It is YOU, the complacent, who is fully complicit in where we are today
I said my piece
The other day while working at s pharmacy, a young black man of maybe 15-16 years of age, came to the counter and asked where he can find the athletic tape. I showed him where it was and he walked back to the pharmacy counter with me and paid for it there.
After he turned to leave and took a couple of steps, he stopped in his tracks and asked for the receipt. Realizing that it was still sitting by the cash register, I apologized then handed it to him. He smiled and said “just in case”
That “just in case” has been playing in mind since.
It could’ve been a “just in case I need to return it” but I read it completely differently.
I read it as “I’m a young black man you see, and that receipt is proof that I bought this box of athletic tape I’m walking out the store with”
Now I know, there is no way for me to know what he meant by “just in case” and so I’ve been wondering over the past few days as to why I thought of the second scenario?
And then it hit. I’ve seen, we’ve seen, many a time where someone’s blackness was enough of an indictment and that many of them have been taught to take the extra step “just in case”
I developed this graphic a few months ago as a visual representation of how diversity, inclusion, belonging and equity are often viewed from a systemic/organizational viewpoint. The other day a friend asked me what is the difference between equality and equity and I find myself going back to this graphic again.
If you view this graphic as a linear evolution of a system/organization with regards to concepts of
Diversity (we have representation of various demographics-however still isolated and not part of the whole) to
Inclusion (we have representation of various demographics with some overlap) to
Belonging (we have representation of various groups across the levels of the system/organization and are not isolated)
Then I would view Belonging and Equality with the same lens. Opportunities exist for all, but as you can see in the graphic, not at the same level nor the same time. Let me elaborate, the white figures, representative of dominant group, have stayed the same from start of graphic to end! While other figures, which represent minoritized groups, have had to overcome obstacles to get to the point of belonging/equality but even then, they are not at the same level. They still need to overcome other challenges, systemic and otherwise, to be on the same level as the dominant group (e.g. men vs women pay)
The ideal we all seek is equity. Where we are all afforded the same access to opportunities at the same level. That’s what minoritized groups are fighting for !
So when you ask yourself, why are “insert minoritized group”, asking for this when we all have the same opportunities then think of the first three circles in the graphic below.
An outcast is defined as a person who has been rejected by society or a social group.
The definition does not state the reason behind such rejection nor does it assign any value, positive or negative, to such a status. It just defines a recipient of an action.
Such rejection however is almost always related to a perceived negativity or harm to the group from the individual who is ultimately rejected. Defiance of norms, questioning of long held views or scoffing at said group’s defining hallmarks, is typically grounds for executing such a sentence. And I fully appreciate and understand how this can be the outcome for someone who insists on defying a foundational truth held by the group (e.g. a Muslim rejecting monotheism) but what about the ones who are deemed societal rejects for defiance of a widely and systematically accepted practice that is fundamentally wrong (e.g. those who sought to end legalized racial discrimination)?
I am intrigued by the tug of war that must go on within the mind of the latter. I think that we, as humans, seek comfort or perhaps validation in numbers. “Everyone is doing it” is many times offered up as justification for accepting a norm that is wrong. I think it is ultimately easier and less taxing on the mind to have this sense of validation even if some doubt exists. So for someone to risk such comfort, to risk rejection and isolation is not an easy decision no matter how noble. Something is special about that “outcast” and I find myself asking the following questions
But most importantly to me is
The question I’m asked most frequently, once people realize that I am a Palestinian, Muslim immigrant is
“Have you faced discrimination living here?”
Such a heavy question with many more questions enveloped within! And it is not an infrequent question that I’m just choosing to shine a light on, it is literally the question I am asked most once someone realizes I am an immigrant.
And the answer is not a simple yes or no as neither will do it justice.
So how can I answer it while making sure that my own personal experiences do not eclipse the experience of others?
And why do we ask it in the first place?Better yet, what question should we be asking? And if we insist on asking the first question then what are we willing to do when we don’t like the answer?
Allow me to elaborate
First, what a sad reflection of our current reality is that question! What kind of a statement about our society does it make?! I know that it comes from concern about my well being but why have we gotten to a point where fascination with someone’s immigration story or tales about their homeland is replaced with fear and worry about their safety? What does this say about our society? Don’t be quick to dismiss this as oversensitivity on my part or this is a question that only I get asked or was asked once. This is a consistent question asked by many and of many. Take a second to think about why it is at the fore of our minds.
Second, I, the one being asked the question must be cognizant of what my experience represents and what it doesn’t. Especially when I am asked the question as a panelist on immigrant experiences or when I am speaking as a member of the immigrant community.
So here is my story
For me personally, my blueish-greenish eyes and white skin don’t signal “foreigner” and for the untrained ear that doesn’t pick up on my slight accent I “fly under the radar”. I hate myself for thinking that way! No, not that I think “phew, I can just get by and no one will notice and I will escape whatever misinformed hatred some may have towards my faith, my home land or my status as an immigrant” but the fact that overt discrimination is a reality for my brown-black skinned and/or religiously garbed friends and I happen to scoot by because of how I look. So really, aside from a couple of instances like someone telling me to my face, and in public, that there is no such a thing as Palestinian, in my 24 years of living here I have not faced discrimination directly. And so if I say no, without paying heed to the superficial privilege bestowed upon me by virtue of my look then I am discounting the daily experiences of thousands of others.
Another privilege is my echo chamber. I have two college degrees and have always worked in a professional setting with others who, for the most part, have engaged and experienced other cultures. As you read that sentence you’re probably thinking to yourself “what an elitist, pompous ass” but I hope you continue reading to understand my point. Education does not automatically make a person more open minded or less likely to discriminate. Unfortunately there are many examples out there of systematic discrimination and racism in and by institutions of higher education. Similarly, lack of higher education does not mean one is less likely to appreciate or value someone from a different culture or that they will automatically be racist. But I must acknowledge that my education is a huge privilege that has allowed me to be in work environments where I am granted time and opportunity to engage in discussions and conversations about my experiences. The audience that chooses to engage me comes from a point of seeking understanding and is usually privileged in similar ways. If I am to say no to the original question of whether I have faced discrimination or not, I am representing the experiences and views of many others who continue to face discrimination whether they are white or blue collar.
Finally, I have personally jumped head first in many difficult conversations and thereby developed a tolerance level and a high threshold for what I’d pick up on as discrimination.
So what should we ask? I believe our questions should be about what we can do to ensure successful transition and integration into our society so that we can benefit most from diversity of thought, experience, culture and talent. This is not to skirt the issue of discrimination as discrimination will never go away. However, discrimination is a manifestation of hate that is a product of ignorance. Ignorance about each other, ignorance about shared values, dreams and concerns. We can reduce ignorance and its repercussions by coming into interactions without preconceived notions about the other, by looking at ways in which we can grow and develop and by addressing the deeper issues of disinformation and misattributed fear
I’ve been going back and forth on whether to share this publicly or not but I eventually decided that it’s important to put it out there
I was robbed today.
I’ve always felt safe and secure in my city. Never have I had a reason to worry about my safety nor be concerned about publicly expressing my faith, my heritage or my opinion. I know it’s a luxury not afforded to all, especially for Muslim immigrants living in today’s America, and so I have always cherished and appreciated my city.
But today was different.
As I walked into the mosque for Friday’s prayer, I noticed a package sitting by the door. A simple, harmless package. Addressed, labeled and stamped. But in the split second between realizing there is a package by the door and recognizing that it was the printed material our imam has ordered online, I felt a strong sense of panic and a sudden pang of fear.
I have no reason to fear for my safety. There are absolutely zero indications of any threat to me or my family.
So why was that my instinct when I first saw the package?
This question has preoccupied my mind all afternoon. I couldn’t even focus much during sermon and prayer and up to the point of writing this post, I am not sure my thoughts are cohesive enough to be comprehended.
This thought pushed me off kilter. Maybe the first serious chink in my armor.
Today, the peace that gets renewed, recharged and reenergized every Friday was not there.
Today I was robbed.
Palestinian, Muslim, American, Husband, Father, Academic, Pharmacist, Coffee Addict, Nutella phene, Pseudo writer, Soccer player, former Canadian, Community servant, Pinch hitter imam, interfaith ninja, Intellectual vigilante, and the undisputed KING of snark